September - 2004   


See Past Messages
From Herbert Kornfeld

Welcome To Our New And Improved Website

Bidness Casual Fridays Now Company Policy, Tho’ It Wack


Frequently Asked Questions

How long will my order take?

Be kool, sucka. We ship same day. Weekend orders processed next bidness day. An' rush delivery be available if y'all can't go a day without them self-adhesive file foldah labels (I feel ya, G's).

What are your payment options?

We take all major credit cards. Online shoppin' don't take no checks or dead presidentz.

What is your return policy?

Full refund within 60 days o' purchase. Box it up like you got it originally so it ain't all fucked up when it come back 2 us. Only we ain't gonna be 2 pleased y'all wasted our time with this pussy returnin' shit. Tha H-Dog gonna remember that.

Can I return merchandise without a receipt?

Hell no. If you don't got a receipt, how tha hell we gonna know you bought tha shit from us? For all we know y'all ripped tha shit off from Office Max. Keep yo' goddamn receipt. It ain't hard. Keep it in yo' wallet. Tha extra weight ain't gonna sprain yo' ass. An' why y'all gots to return shit anyway? That straight-up wack. Ain't nothin' wrong wit' office suppliez. They dope.

Why is my order incomplete?

Some shit may be sent separate 'cuz it come from anotha warehouse or it be back-ordered or somethin'. We on it so sit tight.

Can I special-order an item if it is not available?

Chances are Midstate got it already. But in case y'all needs somethin' we ain't got, sure, what tha fuck, call us, special-order it up, and we'll find it for you. Note: it gotta be a office supply. We ain't goddamn ShopKo.

Herbert, I came to the store and you weren't there. How can I see you? Please, I need you so bad.

Bitch, how many times I gotta tell you, step off. Midstate a place o' bidness. I ain't got time fo' yo' needy-ass shit. Y'all won't see me on tha store flo' during bidness hours. I upstairz crunchin' the numbahs. An' don't try to get up there lest you want a tazer in yo' ass (mad propz 2 my man Gordy from Tri-Badge Security).

Company News

Edited By Debbilyn Sundquist
Human Resources Secretary

Herbert Kornfeld Is Employee Of The Month For September 2004

Accounts Receivable Supervisor Herbert Kornfeld is Midstate Office Supply's Employee Of The Month for September 2004. This is the third time this year Herbert has received the honor.

Administrative Comptroller Gerald Luckenbill, who presented Herbert with a Citation Of Merit and a $50 Midstate gift certificate on August 3, cited Herbert's outstanding commitment to his work.

Said Gerald, "Once again, Herbert's services have proved extremely valuable to Midstate's daily operations. He also showed unusual commitment to his work, particularly in the fields of variance resolution and delinquent account collection."

Said Herbert on his record 60th Employee Of The Month commendation, "I collect these muhfukkin' thangs like my jock collects bitchez, but yo: I don't receeve accountz jus' foe tha fame. It my muhfukkin' callin.' Y'all gots to be born to it. Aw yeah muhfukkas."

Herbert added that Accounts Payable Supervisor Myron Schabe has not received the Employee Of The Month award since 2001.

More Compnay News
Featured Product: Three-Hole Paper Punches

Letter Openers WurkBest® Desktop Three-Hole Paper Punch With Lever Handle

Any office banga know that when y'all wants 2 smack down a bitch, a three-hole punch be yo' best friend. But what about when y'all just wanna put holes in some paypa? Even hardcore office veterans say tha regular three-hole punch come up short. Y'all can't gets tha propah leverage an' it don't punch out clean even holes, or sometimes tha fucka fly out from under yo' handz when y'all puts a li'l weight on it. I don't ezpect amateurs 2 understand, but damn, y'all, when a office supply can't do what it wuz put on tha earth fo', it bring nothin' but shame an' dizhonor 2 an office.

That's why I gotta say, mad upz 2 WurkBest®, who got nothin' but luv an' respect for officin' peeps. They make a three-hole punch wit' a lever. That mean paypas get punched wit' mad stealth: It can punch 12 atta time, an' it even gotta plastic tray on tha bottom 2 catch them fuckin' li'l paypa dots. Don't nobody want paypa dots all ovah they Dockas, 'less they buggin'.

I wanna dedicate this product description 2 all mah white colla ancestors who hadda make do with tha ol' three-hole punch. It's they sufferin' that makes it possible foe us 2 office in style 2day.



Letta Opener Of Death WurkBest® Three-Hole Paper Punch With No Handle

Fo' ol' school homiez, Midstate gots tha regular kind 2. Punchin' paypas be kool, but won't nobody wanna fuck wit' you as long as y'all pack a punch. Don't take no shit from no-one, G's. "Whatchu sayin,' y'all leavin' work early 2 pick up yo' son from soccer practice? Fuck that, fool!" WHAM! WHAM! WHAM WHAM WHAM!! MUHFUKKIN' WHAM WHAM! WHAM WHAM WHAM! WHAM!!

Uh-huh. Yeah.


More Products
Kreative Corner, a forum for our employees

As well as being fine, loyal employees, several of our Midstate staff members have creative sides as well. Last month, we showed some artwork by Shipping's Dave Adenauer, who hopes one day to become a comic book artist. This month, our Accounts Receivable supervisor Herbert Kornfeld shares the op-ed columns that he wrote for The Onion, "America's Finest New Source," copies of which are available at the local Food Captain and online at


More Kreative Korner

Myron Schabe, Accounts Payable Supervisor

Myron Schabe, Accounts Payable Supervisor

Once again, another successful
company picnic has come and gone.
Thanks, as always, is due to Eloise Baines, Cheryl Stover, and Judy Metzger for putting together the fun fete, which was held on August 28 at Union Park. It was a pleasure meeting the spouses and families of many Midstate staffers. The catering was provided by Slo Jo's BBQ, a very popular choice if employees' reaction was any indication. Weeks later, those ribs still manage to pop up as a topic of talk in the employee break room. But we mustn't forget the lovely assortment of baked goods provided by Simmons Bakery either. And, of course, no Midstate picnic is complete without a rousing performance by the Polka Dotties in the bandshell...


More From Myron Schabe